Birthparents Aren’t Bad People

This guest post is by Alice, a birthmother.

I hate hate hate telling people I am a birth mom. 

After I tell most people I am filled with regrets. “Why did I tell them? They didn’t even seem to care. Their facial reaction wasn’t positive.”

I don’t think most people know how to handle this well. I used to think a birthmom or dad  was a bad person. I thought birthparents were irresponsible, on drugs, had no morals and slept around.

I believe children should have two loving parents who are married. I thought I was a bad person because I was single and pregnant.

I wasn’t a bad person. Birthparents aren’t bad people just because they get pregnant and choose adoption.

I have never done drugs. At 27 I got pregnant with the first person I had sex. At the time, I had my bachelor’s degree. I had a well paying career, a two bedroom apartment with thousands of dollars in the bank.

I am currently happily married with two beautiful children as a stay-at-home mom. I am no exception, I have other birthmom friends with a similar background.  

Birthparents aren’t bad people. They are my heroes! I am proud to be a birthmom. Birthmoms and dads aren’t bad people the same way that adoptive parents aren’t bad people. 

Early on in the adoption process it is easy to have high emotions, projections and grief. It was easy for me to remember that adoption was the RIGHT thing for George (name has been changed).

Understanding myself and the adoptive parents was difficult. Now, six years later, I see that adoptive parents are all doing the best they can with a situation that they never expected to go through.

I remember when the adoptive mom told me she needed some time because she was comparing herself to me and my strengths. I was flabbergasted.

She was vulnerable and it made me feel compassionate and love fir her.  Adoptive parents are also heroes to me and I am so grateful for the relationship I have with George and his family. 

Open adoption wasn’t something I wanted. EVER. I was going to birth the baby then say goodbye and never think about it or the pain again.

My caseworker told me open adoption is good for birthmoms when the child is a baby, You have a chance to heal and see that he is safe.

But open adoption is good for adoptive children when they are older. Research shows that children do better in an open adoption because it helps them understand why they were adopted.

I wanted the best for George. With my open adoption I have witnessed perfect parents for George for six years.

Last night we got together with George and his family.  It is like getting together with family or cousins. It doesn’t bring up grief for me.

It doesn’t hurt me. It is normal. It is compassion. It is love.

It is all for George.

Alice is the pen name of a birth mom to a beautiful boy. Alice is now married to her soulmate and they have two precious babies together. She enjoys traveling, decorating, and pedicures.

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