This guest post is by Sarah Farrar, a hopeful adoptive mother and blogger.
“Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic.” –Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
I came across this quote by Oscar Wilde on a day when I was really struggling with finding what I like to call my “zen state” in regards to the adoption wait.
Everything was feeling particularly unfair and hopeless.
We all have those days and boy, was I having one.
I read it and something just clicked.
It isn’t all about when and how our baby will find us.
It isn’t only about our battle with infertility or our rather tedious journey to adopt.
Our baby finding us will likely come from a place of loss for someone else. Our happiness resulting from someone else’s hardship.
There is a bigger picture here.
It isn’t as if we had gone into adoption not knowing this, but we definitely started this process very naïve.
When we started, it was such a relief to leave the fertility struggles behind.
We had hope that one day we would be parents, we had hope that one day meant sooner than later.
Here we sit, nearly two years later, 13 months “live” with our agency, wondering when that “one day” will be.
Our eyes were opened to what all needs to come together for this to happen.
Our journey has not been without its battles.
We have been shocked into the world of adoption realities, been emotionally scammed, scarred and are subsequently healing.
I now find myself seeking meaning in every song lyric, book and poem.
I am constantly looking for courage from outside sources, when really, anyone in this situation should also be looking within for that strength.
We owe it to our future child to navigate this experience with fortitude and grace.
Each self-imposed deadline − six months with no baby, one year with no baby, another childless holiday season, another birthday passed − is a reminder to look again at that big picture.
Knowing that whichever baby finds us, was meant to find us, because we will learn so much from everyone involved.
Finding that “zen state” that it will happen when it is meant to happen.
I know, everyone says that and it generally isn’t what we, as waiting adoptive parents, want to hear.
I have rolled my eyes at it many times.
I have looked people in the eye who said that to me and told them that I have had enough of this “fate” stuff, just get me my baby.
Then there is that little tug of shame that what you are feeling is selfish.
“Get me MY baby” just isn’t how it works. It isn’t how it is supposed to be.
Every single emotion you have in the adoption wait is justified. In the end, we are all human and have human emotions.
The urge to be a parent does not come from your brain, but from your soul.
There is no way to rein in the emotions that come along with that, so you just learn to put them into perspective.
There will be days where everything feels unfair and there will be days where you feel everything is happening just as it should be.
There will be days that the thought of going to another baby shower will send you back to bed for hours, but other days you will happily shop in the baby section for hours for a shower gift (sneaking in that perfect little ducky towel for your future baby too!).
The bigger picture is that open adoption involves many people.
It requires everything to fall into place when it is supposed to.
The birth mother and possibly entire birth family that places with us, will do so because, somehow, our lives were supposed to become intertwined.
Together, we will learn to navigate life with an open adoption and help our child process and understand what this means to him or her.
This is how we get through this waiting.
No matter how gut wrenching it can feel, we know with a little (or a lot) of patience and time, our baby will find us.
We will be those people telling our friends who are still waiting that “once you have your baby, it will all make sense”.
Sarah Farrar lives in Smyrna, GA with her husband John and three cats. They are actively waiting to adopt through the Independent Adoption Center. To find out more about them, visit her blog.
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