Having a prospective birth mother change her mind after connecting with her through your online adoption profile can be devastating. But being the target of an adoption scam is worse in many ways.
Although some waiting parents forget it, prospective birth mothers actually do have the right to change their mind. And when they do so, it’s not for malicious reasons.
Adoption scams, on the other hand, are calculated deceptions that often involve planning and preparation. Often they’re referred to as “birth mother scams” but that’s a misnomer.
Birth mothers–mothers who have placed their baby for adoption–have nothing to do with them. The term is used for the simple reason that it’s a fast and easy way to get your attention.
Many waiting parents are weary about posting their profile online because they fear they may be targeted in this way. What they don’t realize is that the internet is just a tool.
Adoption scams can happen any time, through any platform, and even when professionals are involved. That’s why it’s important not to dive into a situation too quickly and to do your due diligence every step of the way.
Here are a few warning signs and suggestions on how to protect yourself:
A questionable email address or subject line. When it comes to reaching to you, most scammers first point of contact will be through email. Even before you get to their message, their address (firstname.lastname@example.org) or subject line (“Baby for you”) could be an instant tipoff. Think about it: if you were looking for adoptive parents for your baby, is that the message you would send out?
Request for money. Nothing says “scam” more than an email request for money. Save yourself trouble down the road: Put an end to the correspondence immediately. Never give anyone a cent without clearing it with your adoption professional first.
Request for a plane ticket. Alarm bells should go if you get a request for an airline ticket, especially if the email originates overseas. Just because someone tells you they want to have a baby in your city doesn’t mean there is a baby or that the person contacting you has any intentions of pursuing adoption.
Generic message. If the email lacks specifics or there’s no indication that whoever sent it had read your profile, be on your guard. Chances are you’re just one of many people on the message’s receiving end.
A one-way street. A relationships are built on give and take. If theres no give on the other end, there’s likely no relationship. Sometimes it’s hard to know whether the person on the end is legit or not. After all, it could well be a prospective birth parent. She may just be shy or confused. And the last thing you want to do is scare her off and lose out on what could be a great opportunity.
With that in mind, here are some suggestions that will help you determine whether the person really is who she says she is:
Set up a phone conversation. Not sure whether you’re corresponding with a 30-year-old pregnant woman who’s thinking of adoption or a 12 year-old boy with a too much time on his hands? Arrange a time to speak by phone and see what happens.
Get a confirmation of pregnancy. An easy way to confirm whether the person you’re speaking to is pregnant is to get a copy of her ultrasound. If she can’t send it or doesn’t want to, see if you can speak to her doctor. If she turns you down, it’s another sign that things may not be what you think they are.
Get your adoption professionals involved. Still have doubts? Get her to talk to your adoption professionals. They have more experience in these matters than you do. And, because they’re not emotionally involved, they can ask hard questions that you may be afraid to ask.
Not all adoption scams revolve around money. Some are driven by the need for attention and control. If you sense that the person you’re dealing with is manipulative or overly interested in your personal matters that have nothing to do with your adoption plans, it’s time to rethink your relationship.
You could be dealing with someone with mental health issues. Cutting yourself off my be difficult. And if you think it’s hard now, just wait until you’re even more fully immersed in a situation.
Adopting a baby is stressful and unpredictable at the best of times. Properly screening people who contact you can take a huge weight off your shoulders and save you headaches and heartaches in the future.
Need help connecting with a prospective birthmother? We can help.
[Photo: Auntie P]