A Letter To My Pre-Birthmother Self

This guest post is by Gina Crotts, a birthmother.
 
Dear Gina,
 
The path you’re about to start on is a long and tedious road. You will wake up from nightmares, cry tears of emptiness, and ache to be whole again.
 
You will experience the most powerful and emotional rollercoasters in this life, called grief.
 
You will sacrifice and give away a part of you, that cannot be filled with any worldly treasure, yet you’ll continue to try and fill the unfillable.
 
You will know loss and you will know pain. Birthdays and holidays will haunt you. When you least expect it, you’ll buy a front row seat to that rollercoaster you wish would forget about you.

 You’ll find yourself searching for meaning, purpose, strength, and connection. The great news; you get to choose: You can either let the weight swallow you up or become someone your baby will be proud of. 
 
Your due date is drawing near. Your nerves are on edge. As scary as delivering a baby sounds, becoming a mother seems even scarier.
 
The sweat, the tears, the sacrifice will all make sense once you hear your baby cry. Your eyes will meet hers and somehow, someway, you find yourself loving deeper than you ever thought possible.
 
Your heart will swell and you’ll think, “How will I let you go?” You’ll snuggle your heaven sent angel in your arms and suddenly the world will make sense.
 
This life will make sense. You’ll question your decision. You’ll plead with a higher power to keep her.
 
You’ll wonder how it’s even possible that you made something so cute and perfect.
 
You will feel pride on a whole new level. Welcome, you are officially a mother.
 
A hospital bed has never felt more like home. You’ll want to plant roots there, only because you know what comes next.
 
Placement day will creep up on you and you’ll wonder, “How will I let this baby go?”
 
Memorize every inch of the tiniest body you’ve ever seen. Take a deep breath and hold on for the ride of your life.
 
Your body will do all of the work. It will walk you through step by step.
 
You, my precious soul, will be floating above watching your body take control. And there is nothing wrong with that.
 
Do whatever you need, to answer that echoing question: “How will I let you go?”
 
Don’t rush the process. The timeline of when this takes place is all up to you. This is your time to be selfish. Yes, be selfish.
 
Feed her, watch her sleep, change her, dress her and anything else that calls on your motherly heart.  When people ask you if you have any children, it’s okay to say yes.
 
Enjoy the cherished moment of seeing her parents hold her for the first time.
 
Marvel in the beauty of how the Universe brought you all together. Find the joy in the pain, I promise it’s there, keep looking. 
 
That first night without her will feel unnatural, impossible, and more intense than anything you have felt thus far.
 
Cry, scream, sleep, and repeat. This will pass. It will get easier. When people tell you it will get easier and you want to punch them in the face, don’t.
 
They’re right. You will find a way to ride that emotional rollercoaster with ease. Welcome, you are officially a birthmother.
 
You’ll fit her in your life in a nontraditional way and she will thank you for it someday. Your love for her will only grow stronger by the minute.
 
Don’t bother filling that hole in your heart, where she belongs, it’s a waste of time. The sooner you accept its existence the sooner you will feel whole again.
 
Let it be just that, a hole in your heart, you can still breathe and you can still love. Don’t wait 7 years to come to this reality.
 
Who you become now is who she will meet later on. Who do you want to be? Make her proud. Make yourself proud. Be guided, as you have this entire journey.
 
Love yourself as greatly as you love her. The sooner you do, the easier life becomes.
 
You will have negative trolls who question your decision. You’ll want to listen to them, don’t.
 
Don’t let those things you cannot control, control you. Stand tall, always, know that you made the best decision for your baby at that time.
 
This choice is nothing to be ashamed of. You, my darling, are becoming exactly what you are meant to be.
 
The road is long and tedious, but with such opposition comes a greater deeper understanding of love. One without the other cannot be as deeply appreciated.
 
Take the dark days to remind you how bright the good days can be. Your life will become that of what you have always wished for.
 
Accept that you are strong, you are courageous, and you will be a beacon for others. Shine bright and be proud of who you are. 
 
Love, 
Gina
 

Gina Crotts is a birthmother. To read more about Gina and follow her adoption story, visit Gina Crotts

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