This guest post is by Bob Spears, who is married to a birthmother.
I am married to an amazing woman who placed her baby for adoption several years before we became involved.
I have lived with the trauma now for 20 years and feel I have an observation on her decision to place and that of so many others I have been acquainted with through her.
She feels so strongly about birth mothers that she has spent an amazing amount of time and money to create a support system.
I have been blessed to be on the ride through this adventure and think I see this through pretty open eyes. I wanted to give a few of my thoughts.
My intent is not to hurt others but to compare what I see within our society. Also, for those who want to condemn me for a male view, please take time to visit with anyone who knows me well.
I have no superior view of men. Men are more powerful due to physical genetics but I know few men who are the equal to women in mind.
My view in this article is what I see in society through my observation of birth mothers and the decisions only women are left to make.
The thing that is such an untruth is that a birth mother gave up on her child. If anyone takes the time to sit down and engage with a woman who has placed, it takes very little time to know that they never gave up and they live with their decision every day.
Some it haunts and others it gives a sense of accomplishment—haunts because they have a biological link to their child, a sense of accomplishment because they made the right choice for a better life.
My wife dwells in the “what-if” world constantly when the daughter she placed for adoption makes harmful decisions.
I am amazed at a society who still belittles a woman who placed her child when she knew her ability to raise the child would be beyond her capabilities.
Whether it was financial or mental, my wife knew her child needed more and it was not going to be within her means to do it.
She placed her child with others who so desperately wanted what they could not physically produce on their own.
Birthmothers do this out of love and I have yet to see any of them who did it for any financial gain or fame.
We are faced in today’s world with so many children who have little or no chance in life without a major uphill climb.
A woman who has no financial means to raise a child becomes pregnant by a guy who will not take the responsibility of being a parent now relies on a welfare system to sustain her.
Medicaid now pays for over 50% of the births in the United States which lets you know things are tough from the start.
The children have little or no supervision because the mother is trying to keep them afloat with no time for parenting.
We have gangs rampant in the major areas where this is prevalent. Poverty is becoming the standard for so many of these victims of a one parent home. Is this a better decision for a child?
The child who was placed by a mother who wanted them to have opportunities in life should be praised for her decision. She did this because she truly loves that child.
I won’t dismiss the fact that almost all women love their children. I think a mother is an amazing person.
She sacrificed herself to bring a child into this world and I have seen few who would not go to any ends to protect them.
But survival limits the ability of that mother to guide and direct a child. As much as they would like to see their baby become one of society’s best, they are only able to do what is within the capabilities of any human.
Left with little education, no work skills and the need to sustain another life, odds are pretty slim for success.
Abortion is now a standard within our society and it is for a woman’s health, not as a solution to an unwanted pregnancy which says we no longer judge this decision.
I guess that confuses me when I see the disdain for a woman who could not abort her child and places them and the tendency not to judge the one who could.
I don’t condemn abortion but I do think a woman will live with that decision all of her life; it just isn’t as obvious to society because there isn’t a child brought into the world but it will live in her soul.
I have spoken with women who chose abortion and even 20 years later still deal with the decision. Any decision in an unwanted pregnancy is hell.
But as long as we embrace open sexual behavior, women will be faced with one of three choices. Why should placing a child for adoption be the one that is unacceptable?
I believe in equal opportunity but as long as only women can become pregnant, it will stay a woman’s problem. It’s pretty rare to see a male left by himself to raise a child from an unwanted pregnancy.
Those who adopt rarely struggle with financial turmoil. Adoption is expensive and those who make the decision are prepared for the challenge.
They are established couples who are required to prove to authorities they are capable of raising a child. There are times when this can go bad but it is rare.
Couples who have decided on adoption have spent many long days dealing with the decision and placed themselves at the mercy of others to deem them worthy.
They truly want to give a child a great life.
At least in today’s society, birth mothers are no longer made to give birth in solitude, be slipped out the back door. and hide their sinful ways.
Open adoption is now becoming the norm. Children who have been placed need to know the woman who gave birth truly loves them and did it for their benefit.
They are not a person who wasn’t willing to take responsibility. They are mothers who love them so much they will allow others to be the parents for a better life. Hopefully someday we can get more people to agree.
I will continue to be amazed at birth mothers and especially my wife. She has such passion for women who have placed.
She spends endless hours working with agencies, foundations and other support groups to provide a voice for birth parents.
I have seen her in pain, struck with immense grief and depression but she always gathers herself up and moves the ball forward.
There seems to be little financial support for this endeavor but she secures what little she can from a few along with her own finances and does amazing things.
She also spends an enormous amount of her time listening to birth mother’s anguish, in phone conversations, social media and at her support group.
It doesn’t leave her a lot of time for her personal life. It would be great to have more volunteers who are on board. Hopefully as the journey continues others will step forward to join her.
Bob Spears is married to Lynea, founder of Life After Placement. They share a life together and are parents to a teenage son. He is an advocate for birth mothers and believes in the cause of Life After Placement.
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