The One Thing You Need To Know About My Son’s Birthmother

This guest post is by Tysie Stoyan, an adoptive mother. 

After suffering from health issues and being diagnosed with uterine cancer at 25 years old, I was told I would never be able to have a child.

My heart felt like it had been destroyed. I never felt so empty in my life.

Not having children was even scarier than having to deal with the actual cancer.

But in April 2013 I became cancer-free, and knowing I would never have a baby of my own, my husband and I looked at the options that were available through private domestic adoption.

Within a month or less, we were introduced to a woman with an adoption plan.

However, after seeing the ultrasound of her baby, she decided she couldn’t give it up and so we embarked on a new search.

After that woman backed out, I was scared to death to meet another possible birthmother.

It was like a piece of me had died, and I was losing hope.

My husband even tried to talk me out of the idea of adopting after he saw how much of a toll it was taking on us.

But something told me, don’t give up, your gift from God is out there, so I kept hoping and praying that one day we would have a family.

With information from our home study and pictures of our little family, we created a page on Facebook.

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Me, Jasmine and Zane.

Then one day we got the message we were waiting for: a pregnant woman who was referred to us through a long-distance cousin wanted to find out more about us.

She was considering adoption, but she was still looking at other options.

I’ll never forget what that message from Jasmine said. It asked a little about us and if we could arrange a time to meet her and her unborn baby’s father, PJ.

I was so excited and yet so fearful. I knew my heart couldn’t take another failed adoption match.

She still had a few months to change her mind, but I put all my heart and faith into her and PJ and I couldn’t wait to meet them.   

After our intial meeting went well, we continued to meet and talk online for a month. Then one day they sent us a message saying they had chosen us to adopt their baby.

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Zane and the judge at the finalization hearing.

When I read it I was so excited I felt like doing cartwheels throughout the house.

For the next few months before her baby entered the world, we discussed details about how it would all work out.

We texted, called and Facebooked almost every day and night.

Initially, Jasmine and PJ wanted a closed private adoption. For us, it really didn’t matter. We just wanted to love this little blessing.

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At Zane’s finalization hearing.

That said, I felt that it was in our child’s best interest to have his birth family and relatives be a part of his life so that he knew his roots and was raised with more love that most kids could ever imagine.  

We believed he deserved being raised knowing what unconditional love was and how much his birth family loved and cared for him.

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Jasmine, me and Zane.

Over the four months we had left before our baby’s birth, Jasmine and I were so excited and so busy texting each other back and forth about her adoption plan that neither of us slept.

One thing I am grateful for during that time is that Jasmine involved me in every aspect of her pregnancy. Knowing I couldn’t have children myself, she allowed me to experience the journey.

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Jasmine and Zane.

I got to see videos of her ultrasounds, including the ones that showed the baby’s gender and him kicking in her belly, and I even got to use my license as an massage therapist to massage her and the baby while she was pregnant.

She wasn’t only concerned about how she felt, she was also concerned about how I felt. We both wanted to make her pregnancy the best experience possible for Zane, our baby.

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Jasmine with her daughter and Zane.

The one thing you need to know about Jasmine is that she is a giver. She is the most unselfish woman I have ever met.

She has two other children and she always puts their needs first, before her own.

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Zane and his two fathers.

She has a heart of gold. Not only did she do what’s best for her child and herself, she helped make my dreams of becoming a mother come true after I was unable to carry one of my own.

The best part of our open adoption is that we are in this motherhood together. Zane isn’t mine and he isn’t hers. He is ours. And I am blessed for this shared motherhood.

Going into motherhood alone is scary enough. As a new mother, you don’t have a clue about what is going to hit you and how much it will change your life.

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Going into the adoption, I was scared to death and felt like I didn’t know all I needed to become a mother.

But the days Jasmine and I shared together helped us build our family as one.

I met all of her family and they met ours.

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I’ll always cherish the long first few nights we spent together as we slept in bed next to each other, helping one another out, laughing, worrying and tending to our new baby.

It was a combination of motherhood and sisterhood. To this day, I feel like God had a plan for us and that destiny brought us together.  

Tysie Stoyan is a 29-year-old mother to an adopted son and step mom of a 7-year-old boy.  A business owner and cancer warrior, she’s been married two years to an amazing man! 

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