This guest post is by Sarah, a birthmother.
It all started in February 2014. I had made the hardest decision of my entire life: To place the twin girls I was carrying into another woman’s arms to call her mom.
God had a huge part in this decision and the whole experience.
I went to a lawyer to speak with her about my situation and adoption plan. She already met with a couple.
The couple found her through some friends of theirs, but they only were hoping for one child.
I had already spoke with another couple I was considering so I told her to wait before notifying the other couple.
Well, I finally made a decision to meet the other couple and on February 20 I get a call from the lawyer, “the couple can meet you tomorrow in the morning can you make it?”
I didn’t know what to think. It was all so fast. I just met with the her a week before. But, of course, I said yes.
The lawyer explained to me when I arrived they will be in one room and I will be in another waiting.
February 21 came. My nerves were beyond control my mind thinking of this decision I was about to make, or might not make.
I drove the 30 minutes to the lawyers office (just more time for me to think). I walk in and the assistant takes me to the meeting room where I wait some more.
I’m thinking the whole time, “What if they don’t like me?” “What if they only want one baby and not two?” “What if I don’t like them?”
“What if this and what if that?” was going through my head.
My palms sweating and my body shaking, the lawyers assistant asked, “Are you ready to meet them?” I responded, “I guess I’m as ready as I can be!”
I waited for what seemed like an eternity (which was only a few seconds a minute at the most). I heard foot steps coming down the hall.
My heart beats faster, my palms sweating more, I ask myself “Can I do this?” “Is this the right decision?” Swirls of questions and “what ifs” run through my head. And then they opened the door.
Of course, Heath first opening the door for his beautiful wife, Kayce. I looked up and when I say a woman can light up a room with her smile she can, she did and she set me at ease for just a moment.
When they sat down, Kayce in front of me and Heath next to her, you can just feel the love they have for one another. At this point I have calmed down a little, and none of us know where to begin.
Truthfully I’m not sure if I started talking first or they did. But this is as I remember: I told them my name, my situation, my reasoning for my decision, and what I wanted out of this adoption for the twins.
They had their turn and told me their reasonings why they wanted to adopt. When I told them I was pregnant with twins (which they already knew the lawyer told them), Kayces eyes lit up!
We talked and wholeheartedly all agreed on an open adoption.
As we finished chatting and me looking at the birthmother book (they threw together at the last minute because it was all so fast and out of the air. The book was perfect and organized and describes them perfectly), I turned to the lawyer’s assistant and said “I want them, yes, them.”
She was in shock for a moment as were they. Heath, being the level headed man he is, said to Kayce, whose face was as happy as could be, “We need to discuss this further before.” So they left the room to talk.
I was shocked and thought that he didn’t like me or maybe he didn’t like that it was girls or really any possible thing that could be wrong was.
As the clock on the wall was ticking, time passing, I was yet left to wait AGAIN!!! To think. More thinking my brain was going crazy at this point. Then they walk back in. I had a sigh of relief.
They sat down with the lawyers assistant and, of course, here came the paper work, signing and discussing the terms of the adoption (Of course this isn’t a done deal until the babies were born and were 72 hours old).
And the lawyer’s assistant of course telling me that they could pay this for me they could buy that for me and blah blah blah! I looked at her and said “I’m not selling my babies.”
We signed the papers and as soon as we were getting ready to leave Kayce says, “Can I hug you?” And of course she could we hugged and cried. And then she asked if we could all get a picture together. We did!
So a few days pass and I get to making doctors appointments and me and Kayce text everyday. They come to the second doctors appointment and get to see and hear the babies for their first time. Both swell up with pride knowing that soon these precious amazing little girls will be theirs to care for.
As time goes by Kayce and I become closer. She is my best friend and I feel as if I can talk to her about anything. She knows my fears about the adoption and I as well know hers.
In all of this we never actually planned anything out. We didn’t have an “adoption plan” like most people.
We really don’t have an adoption like any other. Ours is special, different, and amazing!
I told them from the beginning that I wanted them to feel as much a part of the pregnancy as possible so if the babies were born natural they both could be in the room. So more time passes the girls get bigger and so does my belly (but still not as big as anyone else carrying twins).
Kayce and I had things planned about the hospital stay about the whole thing but it didn’t happen as our plans went. On April 28, 2014 I was at a friend’s house and some how I fell right on my stomach, which in return started my contractions in which I told no body I was hurting until the end of the day.
I finally told my friend and I called the doctor and they got me right in to see the doctor… alone!! They did an ultrasound and put me in a room to wait yet again ALONE!!! By this time I had texted Kayce and let her know I was at the doctor’s.
Of course she was nervous about everything. It took so long for the doctor to come back into the room I was sitting in the chair and he took his chair sat down and scooted closer to me and said, “So, are you ready to have these babies?”
And I was in complete shock and said “ummmm, I guess! I don’t have any other choice.” So he tells me to be at the hospital first thing in the morning to prep for surgery. I had to have a C-section.
I called Kayce on the way home and asked if she was ready and explained the time and everything to her. I drop my friend off (she was waiting for me the whole time) and took off toward home about a 15 minute drive, of course again thinking, “Is this the right thing? Oh my, I’m having a major surgery tomorrow! Who is going to watch my other girls? Oh wow!!! I was so shocked.
Everything happened so fast. Didn’t I just meet Kayce and Heath? Wow!! The only thing I could do is cry. But then I had to suck it up. My other four girls would see me upset and that couldn’t happen…. So I sucked it up and let the rest of my day go on.
I didn’t sleep any that night and got up and ready to go and left my house by 4 AM. I drove alone and was thinking the whole 45 minutes it took to get to the hospital. At the hospital I go in and I was alone.. The nurses looked confused but said nothing.
They get me in bed and the IV running and all the things they have to do beforehand. At around 6 Kayce and Heath show up.
I was so happy to see their faces. They were so happy.
But you could also tell they had a fear/sadness in their eyes because they knew that I had their dreams in my hands.
They knew how much I love my other children and how hard of a decision this was for me even though I kept reassuring them that I was going to sign the papers on Friday!
I think I kept reassuring them to reassure myself that this is something I myself could do and I think they knew that too.
We talked before the doctor got there and before I knew it they were ready for me in the operating room. I was so nervous. Kayce and Heath were supposed to be in the room with me but they only let one person because the girls were premature and that there was two of them and no room for two people.
So Kayce came in and Heath waited outside. They gave me the medicine and laid me down on the metal table. Kayce came in and was so nervous they put the curtain up and the nurse at my head turned to Kayce and said, “If you feel like you’re going to get sick or pass out you need to leave. We only have one patient in here and she’s on the table.”
I looked and laughed a little because we were just discussing in the room that Kayce had a weak stomach. At that time I look up at the nurse and said, “I’m going to get sick.” I turn my head away from Kayce to get sick and he says,”no, you have to turn to the other side.” Which was Kayce’s side.
I didn’t have time to apologize he gave me the bag and I started getting sick!! All I could think was poor Kayce.. She told me.” Oh my, there’s the first one. She’s so beautiful. The doctor pulled her out by her foot, oh my.”
And I looked up from getting sick and said, “They started?” She said, “Yes here is baby number 2 they pulled her out by her foot too.” The doctor asked if I wanted to see them and at that moment I said no because I had said I didn’t want to!
I just laid on the table as I hear sucking and tools clanking. The next thing I remember is waking up alone in my room. The only thing I was thinking about was getting the catheter out of me. But they wouldn’t for another 8 hours.
I called the nurse in and asked if I could get up and walk around. They wouldn’t let me for a few more hours. The twins were in the nursery and so was Kayce and Heath. They had to be on oxygen for a little while.
As soon as I could get out of bed and walk I got up, catheter and all. I had to go see my babies. I grabbed the IV thing and the nurses put the catheter bag on me and off I went. The nurses said, “wait we can get you a wheelchair!” I said ” No, I got this” and went to the nursery.
I remember one nurse saying that in her entire career as a nurse she had never seen someone get up and start walking that far after a C-section. But I was determined and I did it.
Those precious little babies were so tiny.
I had never seen babies so little before. I couldn’t hold them so I stayed with each one for a few minutes and went back to my room and went to sleep.
During this whole time Kayce and Heath were there and they had a lot of family come and see the girls and I stayed in and out of sleep the whole time. The next day the girls were off of oxygen. I got up and went to see them of course Kayce and Heath were there.
And all together we got to watch them get their first baths. And be put right back next to each other as they had been in my belly. Heath’s mom came and brought me a present, flavored pecans. (They were really good).
I told Kayce and Heath that they could spend the night in the room with me and that the family could just come to the room where I was to see the girls instead of watching through the glass or the hospital giving them another room.
So they stayed during the day in the room and home went home at night. I met most of their families that day which was very hard but happy too. I got to see and feel how much love these two precious girls would be getting from all around.
That night I laid awake and cried. I cried for the two precious babies I was giving to another woman to call mom. I cried because it tore my whole world apart.
I cried because I was happy of who I chose to be their parents.
I cried because this was the single hardest thing I had to do in my life and I was alone. I cried for thinking I was a bad mother to my other four. I cried just because.
I let it all out that night. Thursday morning came I could go home. It was so hard for me to walk away and leave those babies in the hospital instead of walking out with them in my arms like I had the other four times I gave birth.
I was insistent on driving myself home. I could do it alone. I had been alone through the whole thing anyways so I could drive home. But no Kayce and Heath wouldn’t let me. They said, “you just had surgery we won’t allow it.”
Heath drove me home in my car and Kayce drove theirs. Heath and I talked a lot on that 45 minute drive. He talked more than ever about how he and Kayce bought their first trailer and slept on an air mattress and had to paint and just everything.
That man I had met on February 21, the man who I had thought was this strong tough man who didn’t show emotion, had melted in the past days since the girls were born. This man that I was speaking to loved his wife more than his own and already loved those two beautiful babies just as much.
They dropped me off at home and offered to carry things inside and I said no I would get them later. They left and went back to the hospital and I was there at my apartment with my girls. I took a shower and did the normal mom duties.
Friday morning came I got them up and sent them to school that evening at 5 p.m. was the time I was supposed to sign the papers.
I was nervous. I wasn’t sure if I was making the right decision so I went and got the girls out of school early and we went to the hospital to see the twins early, of course.
The lawyer’s assistant came up to the room and I started signing the papers. She was explaining things to me but I just heard noise. With tears rolling down my face, I signed my beautiful twins over to these amazing people.
This by far was the hardest day of my entire life.
I had to carry the girls out and as Kayce and Heath put them in their car to leave. It was so heart clenching I almost screamed. We went home with no twins, no sign that just 72 hours ago I had given birth.
They weren’t there anymore.. I didn’t feel them moving inside of me. I didn’t have that belly of a pregnant woman. I was like any other normal woman. I felt hurt, sadness, alone, unappreciated, unworthy, useless, and the worst feeling I had ever felt in my life at that moment in time I felt EMPTY.
Saturday came and went like any other day. When Sunday came, I woke up, got dressed but just couldn’t do anything. I called the lawyer’s assistant and cried. I said “Do not file the papers tomorrow! I want my babies back. I can’t do this.”
She told me she would talk with the lawyer Monday morning. Sunday was the longest day I had ever had. But it was the day that I figured out my final decision, after all. MY DECISION.I had to keep telling myself that. It was my decision. And only mine.
The twins and me.
I called the lawyer’s office on Monday morning. Of course, her assistant answered the phone. I told her, “please forgive me for my frantic phone call yesterday. It just hit me all at once.. Please go and file the papers for the adoption.” And well, she did.
As the days went by I messaged Kayce every morning and every night for a while. Then I started not messaging so much and I slowly let go of the fact that SHE was their mother now. That SHE was the one that should be telling them good morning and good night. That SHE was the one taking care of them.
The twins, my four other daughters, Kayce and me.
That fact came down hard. I kept looking and looking for “why” and “what ifs” and “how’s”. But after all this I looked up and felt this amazing release. It hurt but not as much any more.
GOD had this planned. GOD did this. I hurt people with my decision I know this. But I also gave life to others. And at the end of the day it’s me and myself that I have to deal with.
So for those of you I hurt I am deeply and truly sorry but I don’t think you can ever hurt as much as I do on any day. To my family this is and will always be my decision even if I could go back in time.
This has made me realize how strong I am. This has made me realize why GOD put me on this earth.
And to the family that I gave a new life too, I love you and I think of you daily. And I am so happy that you get to enjoy those precious angels that GOD has sent to you through me.
Kayce and Heath, if it wouldn’t have been you it wouldn’t have been anyone. GOD had his plan and this time I took his advice.. My heart will always ache from this but it will also rejoice because of the gift I gave.
And after two years I am strong as ever. Here I am watching these beautiful twins grow and be happy with their parents.
There are so many blessings we have and I have that it is hard to be anything less than grateful for them and for what I have done and for the woman I am becoming. All because GOD chose me to be the Birthmother and GOD chose Kayce to be called mommy!
Sarah is a mother of four beautiful girls and a birthmother of twin girls. Her adoption journey still has chapters that haven’t been written yet, but she wants to help other mothers and everyone learn and accept adoption.
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