There are many ways to find out if you and a prospective birth mother are a good match after she responds to your adoption profile.
Sometimes you’ll know it the first time you speak. You’ll get the sense that even though you’ve just met, it feels like you’ve know each other your entire life.
But in most cases, as in any new relationship, especially one that is born out of a crisis, it will take a while for things to settle down and figure out where you stand with her. One way to find out for sure is to ask questions.
And, as mentioned earlier, keep in mind that an expectant mother considering adoption is not a birthmother. She doesn’t become a birthmother until she signs the adoption papers and relinquishes rights to her baby.
How the expectant mother answers them will not only give you a better sense of whether you’re compatible. It will help you decide whether your relationship is worth pursuing in the long-term or whether you’re just spinning your wheels.
Here are some questions you might want to consider with an expectant mother (or parents) during that initial conversation:
- How are you feeling?
- How has your pregnancy been like so far?
- When is your baby due?
- Tell me about yourself.
- What are your interests and hobbies?
- Do you come from a large family?
- How do they feel about your decision?
- How did you decide on adoption?
- What was it about our letter that caught your attention?
- Do you know a lot about adoption?
- Do you know anyone who has placed her baby for adoption or who’s been adopted?
- What’s your baby’s father like?
- How does he feel about your decision?
- Do you have any special requests on how you would want your child to be raised?
- What kind of relationship are you interested in having after your baby is born?
- What are your plans for the future?
- Is it possible to meet you before the placement?
- Is it okay if our social worker speaks to you?
- Is there anything you’re interested in talking about or knowing about me?
- Where would you like to go from here?
Here are some questions you may want to ask, but probably shouldn’t. Better to leave these to your adoption worker.
- Why are you placing your baby for adoption?
- Have you ever placed a baby for adoption before?
- Have you used drugs or alcohol at any time during your pregnancy?
- Do you smoke?
- Who’s the father?
- Does he know about your adoption plan?
- Does he support your adoption plan?
- Do you think either or you will change your mind between now and the placement of your baby?
- Asking a prospective birth mother the right questions early on will give you the answers and the confidence you need to move your relationship forward.
Plus, it will help you avoid bigger problems down the road. If, on the other hand, you don’t get the answers you need, you’ll need to ask yourself why and whether the adoption situation you’re involved in isn’t the right one for you.