This guest post is by Sarah Farrar, a hopeful adoptive mother and blogger.
I confess, as a waiting adoptive parent, I had been living in the future. This is a tale about how I found beauty, and a way to live, in the present.
On the day I realized that 2015 is half over, my heart sunk. I instantly started dreading spending another Christmas holiday season still waiting to adopt.
I turned to my husband, John, and said, “If we haven’t adopted by the holidays, we are spending Christmas at the beach”.
I didn’t allow myself to think of how much can happen in six months. How our last adoption situation began and ended so quickly that it all seems like a blur.
Instead, I went straight to wondering how we can protect ourselves from another painful holiday season. How can we pretend we aren’t hurting, while everyone around us is celebrating and playing Santa Claus?
Earlier this week we hit 21 months “live” with our agency, The Independent Adoption Center. Immediately, my thoughts turned to “only three months before we hit two years”.
We will reach two years waiting just days after John’s birthday. Cue intense dread flowing into and out of my heart.
I desperately started planning the perfect distracting birthday for him in my mind. I became stressed about how to put on a happy face for him when my thoughts are on that dreaded countdown to two years.
Two years.
The thought stabbed me in the chest like a knife. What if neither of us can deal with another birthday still in this limbo of waiting? What if… just what if?
We just recently made it through a mountain of paperwork and subsequent home visit to renew our home study…again.
I didn’t find myself relieved that we made it though, I only thought of how we only have until February or March until we have to start the paperwork all over again.
How last time we waited too long and found ourselves rushing to get things taken care of. How I won’t let that happen again next time. I mentally started my to-do list for February 2016.
The thing is, living in this state of stress and dread about the future is not healthy.
It makes it nearly impossible to enjoy the things happening in the here and now.
It causes undue tension in our home and even carries over into work and friendships.
I hate to admit it, but my “Aha! moment” came from watching a romantic comedy. I know, silly, right?
The movie was about a man who could time travel. He chose to use his ability to get the love of his life.
The lesson I picked out of the movie was to live your days seeing the beauty in things, rather than the usual annoyances.
In a state of depression and impatience for the adoption wait, I figured I had nothing left to lose than to try this for myself.
I’ve been taking my time with each day, appreciating the seconds, minutes, and hours that make up life.
Searching for the beauty in humanity, in life, in the passing souls of my every day encounters, has made me live more in the present.
I’m noticing little things, like the impact of the hot Georgia summer being eased by a frosty glass of iced tea, or a quiet moment at home that will be long forgotten once our little one is finally with us.
I’ve stared at trees swirling in an afternoon thunderstorm, savoring every second of Mother Nature’s awesomeness. I’ve sat quietly, remembering how amazing it is to be alive and part of this world at all.
I can’t wait to be in the future with our child. I can’t wait to see what new adventure our open adoption brings.
For now, I’m finding grace in living in today. The future is still ahead, but I can worry about that when I meet it face to face, steadfast and hopeful.
Sarah Farrar lives in Smyrna, GA with her husband John and three cats. They are actively waiting to adopt through the Independent Adoption Center. To find out more about them, visit her blog or their adoption profile.
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